Learning your turn-ons and turn-offs

Do you sometimes feel like the slightest thing can turn you on sexually? Maybe the smell of an enticing cologne, or seeing someone with a cute smile on the bus? Or how about the opposite? You see something or think something that you think should interest your sexual self, and still…nothing. These differences in people’s sexual responses are quite normal, and in order to understand them, we’re going to talk about the dual control model.

The dual control model was developed by Erick Janssen and John Banecroft in the late 1990’s. This model explains how everyone has a sexual excitation system (SES) and a sexual inhibition system (SIS). The SES is often likened to a gas pedal in your car—it’s your acceleration. The part that tells the system to “go” and propels you forward. This system is constantly on (even if you’re not aware of it) and scans the environment for stimuli that it perceives as sexually relevant. It then instructs your brain to signal your genitals to “go” or turn on. For example, you might be walking down the street and see someone you perceive as good looking. Your SES notices this stimuli and you might start feeling aroused, psychologically or physiologically. The SIS, by contrast, is often likened to the brake pedal in your car. It’s the part that tells the system to “stop” and puts a halt on any activity. This system scans the environment for potentially threatening stimuli or anything that might indicate now isn’t a good time to get aroused, and then instructs your brain to signal your body to shut down any arousal. For example, it’s the part of you that worries about unwanted pregnancies, STIs, that your kids are home and can walk in at any moment, that you are anticipating a phone call from your boss about an important matter, or that your mother-in-law is in the room right next door.

These two systems operate independently and in order to understand your own sexual responses, you need to understand how these two systems work for you. Everyone’s SES and SIS have different levels of sensitivity. If you have a sensitive SES and a low SIS, you are likely to be very responsive to sexual stimuli. For that person, a fleeting sexually charged thought or seeing someone attractive while walking down the street can result in arousal. Your gas pedal is always ready to go, go, go and your brakes don’t easily stop. You only need the slightest pressure on the pedal to shoot forward while your brakes are minimally engaged, if at all. Because of this sensitive brain system, people with high SES and low SIS tend to be highly motivated to pursue sex, even under conditions that other people might not find very sexy. By contrast, if you have a low SES and a high SIS, it will take a lot of concentration and intentional focus on sexually arousing stimuli in order to feel “turned on.” For this person, a physical or sensual encounter with a partner might not elicit any strong feeling of desire. This on its own might contribute to less initiation or engagement around sex, but then add to that the high SIS and then even if you do find yourself in a situation where you are turned on, the slightest thing, such as hearing your child cough in the other room, makes the brakes come slamming down. Your brake pedal is always ready to stop, stop, stop, and since your SES isn’t sensitive to many sexual stimuli to begin with, it’s hard to feel motivated to pursue sex. For this person, the slightest threat or perceived threat to sex shuts down all sexual interests. This might look like someone who withdraws from sex, even if they’re in the middle of playing around, if conditions aren’t exactly right for them.

In order to determine if you have a sensitive SES, ask yourself questions like: Do I experience desire or arousal when I think about someone attractive? Do I find myself becoming excited when I see my partner doing something that is physically or emotionally meaningful for me? Do I get turned on when my partner does something for me? Do smells activate my sexual interests? Do I feel desire when I feel sexually wanted by my partner? Do I allow myself or enjoy erotic fantasy?

To determine if you have a sensitive SIS, ask yourself questions like: Can small interruptions turn me off? Do I find myself thinking about all the reasons not to have sex? Do I need certain specific conditions in order to feel comfortable enough to have sex? Do I find myself worrying about different things during sex? Do I feel self-conscious in a way that interferes with my ability to experience desire or arousal? Do I worry that I or my partner won't experience an orgasm, which then prevents me from feeling aroused?

Everyone has some variability to their of SES and SIS sensitivity. Sexual arousal, then, can really be understood as the cooperation of these two systems: activating the gas pedal and deactivating the brakes. Your level of arousal will be determined by how much pressure is being put on the gas pedal and how little pressure is being put on the brakes. Although you might be pressing down full throttle on the gas pedal, if the brakes are fully engaged too, you aren’t going to be going anywhere any time soon, and you might even feel emotionally or physically drained in the process, similar to how flooring the gas pedal and brake pedal simultaneously burns a lot of fuel. Taken together, this means everyone has a different level of arousability and getting aroused isn’t just a matter of external exposure to sexually intriguing stimuli, but an attunement to our internal processes that excite or inhibit the sexual response cycle. In order to facilitate arousal, both systems need to be sufficiently engaged or disengaged. This might mean getting in touch with the things that enhance or contribute to your sexual excitation while also being aware of and reducing factors that lead to sexual inhibition.

So, what can you do with this information? One important takeaway is how each person is uniquely responsible for their own experiences of desire, arousal, and pleasure. Reflect on the things that seem to propel you toward sex and the things that repel you from it. Ask yourself what contexts are most arousing, and what contexts will shut you down. If you are in a relationship, this also demonstrates the importance of communicating with your partner about yours and their SES and SIS triggers. Set aside a time to communicate about the contexts you need in order to feel turned on. In doing so, you create the situations that allow for arousal. Maybe this means sharing the ways you enjoy being touched. Maybe it means creating the environment that primes your mind for sexual activity, like music, emotional connection, or playfulness. It also means dialoguing about the things that suppress your sexual interests. Maybe this means making sure your room is tidied or the chores are completed, which frees up your mental space. Maybe it means getting a lock for your bedroom door to ensure privacy. Maybe it means shifting sex to the morning since you're too tired in the evenings. Be clear about your turn-offs and turn-ons and be open to hearing about your partner’s. Problem solve together ways of respecting each of the sexual contexts you need in order to really support each other’s sexual excitation systems and sexual inhibition systems. Remember, it’s not just about ramping up the pressure on the gas pedal. It’s also about decreasing the pressure on the brakes by removing the inhibitions you have around sex.

And yet, it’s important to remember that this information isn’t a formula or a contract. It’s a map of your and your partner’s internal landscape, not a set of directions that guarantee a specific outcome. Knowing what turns your partner on or off isn’t a tool to manipulate them into sex, nor does reducing their inhibitors entitle you to intimacy. If your partner shares that an unmade bed or a messy kitchen interferes with their arousal, doing the chores can absolutely be a loving and supportive gesture—but it’s not a down payment on sex. Some partners, especially those with higher spontaneous desire or fewer inhibitors, may start to feel like their partner’s SIS conditions are a list of rules they must obey in order to “earn” sex, and that can lead to resentment, frustration, or a sense of being controlled. But it’s not about control. It’s about recognizing that arousal doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s shaped by context, and each person’s context is different, where all behaviors either inspire or inhibit desire. The value in understanding each other’s SES and SIS isn’t in creating a reward system or a rule book for sex; it’s in co-creating a relational space where desire can emerge more naturally and in a disinhibited way for both partners, free from pressure or resentment. When we each take ownership of our own patterns and come together in curiosity and collaboration, we’re not just trying to make sex happen, we’re trying to build the conditions where it wants to happen, where both partners feel attuned to, respected, free to access their erotic selves, and meet each other in genuine desire.

Many individuals and couples struggle with understanding their SES and SIS and how to navigate invariable differences that exist between two people. If this is something you or your partner struggle with, therapy can be a valuable resource to facilitate the sex life you and your partner would like to move towards.